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5 Most Useless Googled Technology Questions

by on February 20, 2013
 

Naturally, we should be worried about the freedom that we have so recklessly handed to machines in the name of convenience. Every new invention, every advancement in gadgetry is an encroachment on human control and, more importantly, your own personal relevance on Earth. But as you try to understand technology better, where can you turn for honest answers? Sadly, most people ask technology itself, naively thinking the Internet wouldn’t be biased. But it is, it is biased. Google has been harvesting your searches and selling them to advertisers bent on selling you more technology.

#5. What Rights Do Robots Have?

5 Most Useless Googled Technology Questions

Look, we live in a time when being kind and sensitive is more important to everyone than common sense. It’s just something we have to put up with. Robots have pretty much the same rights as you, so that means it’s only a matter of time before they’re mixing them into our schools, Playing along side them in a nice friendly football match with or against them and letting them drink out of the same water fountains as us. I don’t mean to sound to over dramatic, but some day your daughter could be dating a robot.

Plus, people are so excited to be open-minded that everyone forgets to write a single real law that robots have to live by, so they can pretty much do whatever they want. And guess what? No robot has been put in jail, either. But what has movies taught us about robots they all eventually turn against humans.


#4. Hearing Voices Through Electronics, How to Stop It?

One of the worst things about technology is that it attracts ghosts like ticks to hair. Sometimes when you’re just trying to record one of those late-night TV movies on VHS all you’ll end up with is 90 minutes of spirits telling you to go dig body-sized holes in your garden.

5 Most Useless Googled Technology Questions

If you’re hearing voices every time you turn your television to a dead channel or if you’re hearing screams coming from your tape deck between songs, there’s only one good way to get rid of them: Listen carefully and do exactly what they say.

You’ll find that their requests are usually pretty reasonable. Most of it is stuff you’ve been sort of thinking about doing anyway, like pushing cursed cars into the lake by the highway or breaking into the house of that guy who was rude to you at the library once.

If you do what they say, usually they’ll leave you alone. Probably because they get to go to heaven after you help them with their unfinished business in this world. It’s just weird how many of them forgot to burn something down while they were alive.

 

#3. Who Invented the Ice?

5 Most Useless Googled Technology Questions

No one knows for sure, but man oh man! did that guy ruin things for the rest of us. Ice is terrible. It’s always getting under car tires and sinking ships, hitting you in the face at the end of your drink and even it has musicians such as Valina Ice (if you can call him a musician) naming songs after it. Ice never did anything good for anyone.

You know, in some countries, like El Salvador, they don’t even have ice, ever. Not even in January, and they’re doing just fine. If I knew who invented ice, I’d hit him right in the jaw. Then I’d tell him to put some ice on it.






#2. Can You Make a Lot of Money Reading Emails?

You bet you can. The catch is that you have to find the right ones to read. Just reading your own emails probably doesn’t pay much, but if you can figure out how to access your boss’s email or the email of someone famous, then you can make piles of money. The trick is to know what you’re looking for. You may have to read through hundreds of emails, but you’ll know you’re done when you find any combination of these words:

5 Most Useless Googled Technology Questions

Prostitute

Embezzlement

Extortion

Addiction

Amphetamine

Affair

Murder

From there, the money part just locks into place. You don’t even have to keep doing the job after that, and you’ll still get paid. Remember that sometimes important people will try to trash those emails, but if that addiction hunch pans out, they probably aren’t thinking clearly enough to empty their deleted items folder. See, for all the bad things that technology puts you through, it turns out there are at least some paying jobs out there if you understand it pretty good.

 

#1. What Inventions Haven’t Been Made?

Great question. I like where your head is at. It’s pretty unlikely that technology will ever stop, so it’s smart to get on the train early and invent some stuff that will pay out in the long run. Fortunately, there are still a lot of things we humans have always needed but that no one has had the time to make yet. Here are a few I think about almost every day:

– Special glasses that let you see which animals have souls and which ones don’t. If that doesn’t pan out, then one that just works for birds.

– Glow in the dark magazines.

5 Most Useless Googled Technology Questions

– A secret translator for bird calls so you can tell if they’re just pretending to sing and really laughing at you.

– A fork that’s a fork on one end and a toothbrush on the other.

– A remote control bird that can fly and tricks real birds into flying through wind turbines.

– A goose scooper.

Really, if you invent just one of these things, you can probably make millions and be remembered forever. But if you were thinking about trying to make a hummingbird feeder that attracts lightning, you can forget it, because that idea is taken.

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